How do you respond when you hear or read something that resonates deeply within you as truth? What does that feel like for you? For me, sometimes it feels like getting punched in the stomach. Also, it usually just makes me weep. That's why the last couple days have a been kind of terrible for me, in a kind of awesome way. I got my copy of Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, later than everyone else who was writing reviews of it for BlogHer. I had to read it as fast as I could, in order to write this review today, so it has been a whole lot like a never ending string of gut-punches of truth and resonance. I am relieved that I can now take a little break from crying into the book, and start processing. I do plan on picking it up again when I've recovered from this quick read, so I can digest it at a gentler pace.I hope that wasn't too scary of an introduction! I loved Daring Greatly, and believe it is relevant for everyone. It is all about what it means to be human, and the ways we can experience deeper connection in life, through bravery and vulnerability. In her book, Brown talks about how issues of shame and worthiness play out in the arenas of work, leadership, and family life. I especially loved the last chapter, on parenting with wholeheartedness. The following passage sums it up beautifully, particularly the last sentence:
Somewhere buried deep inside our hopes and fears for our children is the terrifying truth that there is no such thing as perfect parenting and there are no guarantees. From debates about attachment parenting and how much better they parent in Europe to disparagement of "tiger moms" and helicopter parents, the heated discussions that occupy much of the national parenting conversation conveniently distract us from this important and difficult truth: Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.
One of the scariest scenarios we humans enter into, I believe, is parenting. We often go into it with an idea of what harmed us as children, of how our parents failed us. And as hard as we try to do better, to love our children well, we may find ourselves re-enacting some of our worst childhood memories onto these little ones. Or we may experience intense anger at our child, for something that is not even her fault. We make terrible mistakes, and it can be horrifying. Many of our parents, coaches, teachers, pastors, or bosses use(d) shame as a tactic to try to change or control us. Or they couldn't help passing their own shame onto us. Shame, as defined by Brene Brown, is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame keeps us from connecting with others, and the antidote to shame is wholeheartedness. Wholeheartedness means being vulnerable and brave, it means daring greatly in our own lives and in our relationships with the people around us. Being willing to feel (and face) the pain of disconnection, and to be vulnerable and brave in our relationships is the key to healing our shaming experiences, and living with authenticity and wholeheartedness.
There is of course so much in this book that I just can't go into here, but I believe it's relevant for everyone. Does the thought of vulnerability scare you? You are not alone. I am so thankful that Brene wrote her book. I wish we could have a huge, collective book club about it, because I think these conversations are critical during a time when people are feeling increasingly fearful, unsettled and disconnected. There are some great discussions happening related to this book at BlogHer. What do you think about talking about shame? What does the phrase "Daring Greatly" mean to you?
There is of course so much in this book that I just can't go into here, but I believe it's relevant for everyone. Does the thought of vulnerability scare you? You are not alone. I am so thankful that Brene wrote her book. I wish we could have a huge, collective book club about it, because I think these conversations are critical during a time when people are feeling increasingly fearful, unsettled and disconnected. There are some great discussions happening related to this book at BlogHer. What do you think about talking about shame? What does the phrase "Daring Greatly" mean to you?
Disclosure: This is a paid review from BlogHer, but everything I've written is wholeheartedly my own opinion.
PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.
To one of your more general questions, "what do I think"... I think that parenting is hard enough without being made to feel like a bad mother. The pressure starts before the children are even born, with what you can/should and can't/shouldn't eat, and continues with what you feed your children. Do they watch tv, do they have a sand table, are they potty trained already, how early they walk, talk, count and add. Parents are judged by their children, and the stress and pressure of being a parent can overwhelm. Daring greatly for me is to accept that the greatest thing I can do for my boys is to be there for them - put away the ipad and go to the park. A hot dog or chips here and there will not destroy their futures, and if the occasional pj day gives us the chance to snuggle and read books all day? Not having read this book I wasn't sure in which direction to go with the questions, but it does sound like a good read - please count me in, and thanks!
ReplyDeleteLiene, I agree completely about parenting already being hard enough without all the extra pressure to make all the "right" choices about everything, from co-sleeping to first foods, to education style... The list goes on and on and on. I kind of envy the early generations of parents, who all pretty much did everything alike. Granted, there are some really good things happening (I believe) in parenting today, and I think it's good to step back and look at why and how we approach these style choices. But it's IS a lot of pressure, and it's unfortunate that we can feel so much judgement from those around us. Good thoughts. I agree with you that one of the best parenting choices we can make is just being there, being present with our children. Thanks, Liene.
DeleteThe minute I gave birth there was a chink in my armor and she was only 6lbs and 14oz of soft smelling baby. But one of the hardest things is no matter how much we know in our heads that there is a myth of perfect parenting, it's a long journey from head to heart. Thanks for a great read - makes me want to read the book.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you want to read it! From what I have gathered from your blog and comments here, I think you will really appreciate Brene Brown's point of view on many things, including parenting.
DeleteThis book looks amazing. I have had my eye on it for the last month or so. Vulnerability scares me!! It is difficult for others to get to know me because I really don't show them who I am.
ReplyDeletefamily74014 at gmail dot com
Hi Aubrey. Yes, I think that particularly for people-pleasers (I don't know if you are one, but I am!) there is that sort of gap between wanting to show a truer sense of yourself, but not knowing if it will be accepted/ OK with our the people we want to be accepted by. Ultimately, I believe it's the right choice, but showing our true selves is not without risk. I think the book will resonate with you, and thanks for sharing.
DeleteThe thought of vulnerability scares me tremendously! I've always carried an unhealthy fear of judgement with me and in many ways it holds me back. I was recently given a great opportunity at work, but turned it down because of that fear. I wonder what Brown would say about that? Isn't it strange when you identify with a flaw or characteristic that holds you back and yet you go on continuing to allow it to hold you back? It's this horrid mentality of "yes I know this is broken but I'm too scared to fix it." Oh brain, you can be so odd and confusing sometimes! Ha!
ReplyDelete-Kristen
Hi Kristen! There is a whole chapter in Daring Greatly about fear/ vulnerability in the work place. A lot depends on the attitudes of the leaders there, and what sort of climate that creates. It was really interesting (but not surprising) to learn that the companies in which failure was acceptable, and where leaders acknowledged their own shortcoming, the level of drive and innovation was much higher. When people are afraid to fail, they become afraid to TRY things, and therefore miss out on their own potential. And you know what they say, "Knowledge is the first step..." Acknowledging your fear of failure is the first step in addressing it-- so you're on your way. Thanks for sharing, Kristen.
DeleteExcellent book review. I am very interested in reading this, even though I'm not quite sure what it would do to me emotionally. Hopefully, it would help me understand my own mother, whose role has been dissected and analyzed in several counseling sessions. Again, great review!
ReplyDeleteRocio, I think you'll be OK as long as you take it slowly-- I don't really recommend powering through like I did! I think it was really helpful, in terms of processing family dynamics/ experiences. Just being able to have helpful language in which to describe my own experiences was transformative. As Angela mentioned, there is real power in naming our experiences (and shame in particular.) I hope you do read it!
DeleteMy mother was severely abused as a child. So, as you could imagine, my upbringing was full of shame, guilt, and a damaged sense of self-worth.
ReplyDeleteFor a long time I blamed her and resented her. I saw the flaws. I bemoaned my painful childhood.
Several years ago, I contemplated whether or not I had chosen my parents-- on a soul level. I wondered if I went into this life with a certain curriculum that I had agreed to before I was conscious.
Magical thinking, to be sure.
Whether or not true, this idea led to a feeling of total responsibility. And, later, total empowerment. Growing up with a lot of "baggage," I suddenly had a means to repair what I saw as inherently broken. And the feeling of gratitude that rose up from life's little lessons was immeasurable.
Then I had my son. 4 months go.
I have heard that in Hawaii, they call forgiveness and responsibility Ho'oponopono. It is a practice that goes something like resonance then letting go.
Had I not imagined my own role in my upbringing I think that I would still carry the suffering that has been in my family for generations.
To me 'daring greatly' means actively participating in your own life, in its creation and flow. It means showing up. It means having a dream. And believing in it. It means You vs You,
Megan, thank you so much for sharing some of your story here. I am sorry for your painful childhood experiences (and your mother's) and the burden that created for you. I am really glad to hear that you have found ways to heal/ forgive/ release. I agree with you completely that unless we are willing to look at the pain, we can end up bearing (and passing down) generations-worth of suffering.
DeleteI think one of the ways we can experience healing from our own childhoods is through becoming a parent, and choosing to change patterns and parent our children in ways that maybe we were missing when we were young. Of course, doing so means actually doing the very painful work of examining our own experiences, and confronting issues that can seem incredibly overwhelming. I applaud you for doing that, and being brave about participating in your own life, and how that will affect your children.
Thank you for sharing part of your story here, Megan.
Wow! I just heard about this book yesterday and put it on my wish list. I have been going through a process recently of putting words to my shame. I'm realizing what causes it and somehow putting words to it releases the power it has over me. I'm also in a couple of groups where people are vulnerable about who they are, and it has been a revelation to see how people can be totally different on the outside, but want and need the same things when we are vulnerable with each other.
ReplyDeleteHi Angela. About putting words to shame-- Yes! Brene Brown talks a lot about the power of speaking about shame to heal it. I think that the most damaging part of shame is the fact that it forbids us to speak of it, and we keep it hidden, growing within, thinking that something awful will happen if we shed light on it. I am glad to hear that there are people around you that are choosing to share their vulnerabilities and "true" selves with each other-- what a healing experience.
DeleteThank you for sharing, Angela.
Hi Ariana,
ReplyDeleteI subscribed to your blog some time ago, but this is the first time I've commented. I also follow you and once messaged you on Pinterest (hope that doesn't sound too stalker-y, I just really enjoy what you write/pin!)
I felt compelled to comment for the first time as, last night I went to see Brene Brown speak! She was amazing, it was a fabulous, informative talk. She really connected with the audience and at the end some people were on their feet applauding. I got so much more from the experience than watching her videos online, she's a really warm and funny person and there was a definite 'energy' in the room.
To answer your questions;
How do you respond when you hear or read something that resonates deeply within you as truth? What does that feel like for you?
I post for the very first time :) I've partly answered this above. It was wonderful to be in a room with like-minded people who really believe in Brene's ideas.
Does the thought of vulnerability scare you?
Yes. But like Brene says, to be human is to be vulnerable. When you try to armour yourself against vulnerability, you inadvertently armour yourself against love and joy.
What do you think about talking about shame?
It makes me uncomfortable as I've experienced so much of it all my life. I want to explore this as the more I try to bury it and greater the burden will be.
What does the phrase "Daring Greatly" mean to you?
I wasn't familiar with its origin, the Roosevelt quote. For me, it means I wake up every day trying to let my guard down, just a little. Showing and expressing my true emotion, even when I feel shy and embarrassed.
lindseyjayuk@yahoo.co.uk
Hi Lindsey-- I am so glad you stepped out and commented here for the first time! How amazing that you got to see Brene Brown speak, and what fun timing (for me, anyway!) I like what you said, that the more you try to bury shame, the greater the burden becomes. It is really freeing to recognize that shame is a universal experience. When we are able to accept the imperfection in ourselves, we naturally become more accepting and forgiving of others. Shame and wholeheartedness are both contagious! Seeing it in this light makes it such a clear choice: Which do I want to spread?
DeleteThank you for sharing your voice here, Lindsey.
Daring Greatly to me means,sitting with my inner demons as they show themselves,something Pema Chodron writes about often, and doing my best to experience what is going on in the moment.Most of the time I find they really don't have much to do with what is going on and I can just let go.Sometimes though it's a sticky mess to sort through over time.
ReplyDeleteI really liked what Megan wrote above because it is so similar to my own thoughts about my weird childhood.
And Lindsey I really like your last paragraph.Letting your guard down can be oh so scary at times can't it?
hrafinstaadataoldotcom
Rois, I like the imagery of actually sitting there with your inner demons. I think when we see them, our first instinct is to run, making the whole situation much more scary than it needs to be. There is a lot of bravery in being able to confront our inner mess, but it is SO worth it. I feel especially responsible as a parent to do that work, since I will otherwise undoubtedly pass the issues on to my daughter to sort out.
DeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts, Rois!
Oh Ariana! Talk about synchronicity!! I'm just checking in on the posts I've missed (I've been occupied with job hunting and haven't checked in as often as I usually do), and have LOVED so many of your posts -- but this one blows me away! I ordered the book, back in September, completely out of the blue, on the thinnest of whims. But the idea of living wholeheartedly and daring to be vulnerable, well, that goes to the core, and is a challenge I want to overcome.
ReplyDeleteI'm so thrilled about your review and your reaction to it, and just wish we were closer and could get together for a pot of tea (yes, I know, you're not a tea drinker, but you haven't tasted my stash of teas yet ;-) ) and talk about this and so much more.
Still have to get around to reading it, but now you have reminded me to get to it!
Hope you see my comments, as they are so very late!
Best,
Monika